Lost and Found In the Crowd

As I walk through the crowded night market in Fong Yuan, I find myself both lost and found in the crowd. I am surrounded by a language I cannot understand. It is actually a comfortable mute. Quiet in its noise. There is no fluid ease-dropping in progress on my end. I feel as if I were a ghost walking through a sea of people I cannot reach out and connect to. When I do catch someone's eye, I want to be invisible; it reminds me that I cannot communicate with them.

Although I cannot understand it, I am completely aware of my own thoughts. "What am I doing here?" "I don't speak any Chinese; definitely not enough to get me by?" "I am out here by myself on purpose; all I feel is lonely." "I just needed to get out." I need to get away sometimes and get lost in a crowd to realize what I have and don't have. To think about what I am doing here. Teaching English and for 7-8 months to boot. "Am I really doing this?" "And I have been thinking about staying longer....what was I thinking???" "Why don't I just go to Russia, where I could actually speak some semblance of the language?" "I don't want to leave Taiwan just yet...I still need to learn Chinese." "Why do I care so much about learning it....?"

I hear an English song playing from a vendor who also sells marijuana paraphernalia. I laugh inside; the only thing I can understand is the music. I walk through the thoroughfares, passively looking. I have been to night markets over 20 times; I have seen most of it.

I find the bulk of the food vendors and look for my nui pie. I find it. I almost decide to walk past it. I turn back. I wait until a vendor acknowledges me. He says something to me, but I cannot hear it. He starts speaking in the little English he knows. I say nui pie. I cannot manage to get out yo yau e ge nui pie even though I can say it. I feel so dumb and those nagging thoughts return about my ability to even learn Chinese. He asks what kind of sauce do I want...in Chinese first and then English. I just point to the sweet sauce like a dumb monkey.

I sit down. I get out the 100 dollars I know it costs. They bring me the food and he tells me it is e bai. Finally, I can understand: numbers!!! This restores my confidence a little bit.

Half way through my meal, a vendor, a woman, comes up to me and starts talking to me. I think she is trying to ask me why I am alone and if I am American. I motion for her to repeat what she says. I finally quip out (in Chinese): I am American. I am an English teacher in Fong Yuan...

She tries to continue...but my limited vocabulary finally lends her to say something like sorry for disrupting you, or it is okay (you cannot speak well...have a good dinner.) She motions for me to continue eating. I return back to my food and throw over my shoulder an "oh well" with a sigh.

I get out and walk out from the eating tables. I walk in a semi-disinterested gait looking at the merchandise. I look for a drink stand but I cannot find one. I am on my way out, but I forget where I am in the night market. I pass the same stands once again. Lost in the crowd. Then I am found. I hear my name. "Erin!" It is Joanne: Connie's language exchange. We chat for a bit. I find out that her brother is in the hospital with air in his lung. My heart skips a beat. Life is so fragile. But thankfully he will be out in two days. She bows out and leaves. I am lost again.

I find my scooter and ride on my way back home. I get out the traffic crowds and speed down towards my school. I am found again. Speeding. Free. This type of communication is clear to me. It is a communication with functionality and the elements; physics and torque. Wind, speed, acceleration drive my worries home but also put excitement into the aftertaste.

Lost and found. In a crowd. All alone. Where ever it may be. Who ever I may be. Tittering between being lost and found will keep me pushing to get past lost and start towards found.

Taiwan Love

Taiwan is like my second home. I have come to love it more than my own country. I still love my country but Taiwan will always hold a very special place in my heart. It has been my first love abroad. The only other foreign country I have been in is in Canada and I was there for less than two weeks. It was a good experience, but nothing like Taiwan. The thought of leaving Taiwan does not bring me joy. I have had a taste of something I very much like. I think I will cry when I leave it. Thank goodness I have a little less than 5 months left of Taiwan. There are so much places I still need to go to.

This Chinese New Year's I am going to see a little more of Taiwan. Taiwan has inspired the urge to travel everywhere in the world. It has opened my eyes to the options of my life. I never thought this is where my life would lead me, but I am lovin' it. Taiwan is probably one of the best things I have done bar none. My family would love to see me home again, but I don't want to go back. I just feel it would be the death of something inside of me. My Chinese language learning is going very slow, but it is crawling along. Despite that, I am very happy here.

Taiwan love. Forever.

More KE Kids:

I love these kids!!! So darn cute, especially when I let them be kids. They absolutely love the camera. They always laugh when they look at them in the view mode. Sam's laugh is so cute when he looks at them. He cracks up. I am going to miss this kids, but I have some really awesomely cute pics.

Almost the whole group: (L2R) Zoey, Zero, Sam, Shayley, Michael

Zero looks like a future professor...so cute

Michael in my huge sweater

I love those glasses

Shayley is swimming in my jacket

Angel is styling in her pink plastic glasses

Zoey playing dress up

Zero "working" on his name

Zero found Christmas cards I hid

Sam posing...or trying to fly...so cute

Zoey pulled her shirt over her mouth and was laughing

Aw...Kindergarten Enrichment...They are too cute.

I teach a Kindergarten Enrichment class. In the beginning I wasn't so sure about it. It was hard and I didn't know what I was doing. I really didn't know what I was doing. About two weeks into it, Gloria (one the secretaries) pulled me aside and said she had observed me teaching. I wasn't using any music and something else I have probably blocked out.

Also one of the kids had complained to his mom that he was bored in my class and didn't want to come. That almost broke my tender little teaching heart. Every teacher goes through that moment: can I really hack it??

In the beginning, I had kind of dreaded going to that class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I really did not enjoy it. I guess I had to break in my kindergarten teaching shoes because there were too tight and making me feel sort of miserable. Gloria told me to use songs and also to go visit Morning Kindergarten. I visited it two days in a row. One day was a Thursdays and then Friday I subbed for Connie while she went to Hong Kong. It was good to observe those who seemed to know what they were doing.

Now, I am totally in love with my kids. They have come and gone, but there are some that have been with me the whole time. I feel like they are my kids in a way. I would love to see them grow up and would love to see them every step of the way. However, that is impossible. I love their personalities and they even like to help me. It is intensely cute. "I want ta heelp you!" It melts my heart. They sometimes like to help me take my stuff to the other room when we are done with gym. They all cry out in a chant: I want ta heelp you!"

Today was so wonderful. We basically played the whole hour and 1/2. And took pictures. I would love to wrap those tender, spontaneous moments up and keep them close to my heart forever. They are joyful. Aw...children. What a beautiful sight. Don't get me wrong, they can misbehave and be kids. I love their little-big personalities.

Here are some photos from today:

Crumbled on the Floor, Bleeding...

On Wednesday during break time in my Beginning Reading class, I went next door to borrow a CD player that actually plays MP3s. I was able to borrow it from Miss Emily. When I stepped into my classroom, Jojo, my student, was crumbled on the floor. Her head was bleeding everywhere and she was crying. I ran and told Gerald that one of my kids was hurt. Thankfully, Gerald was across the hall in the big room setting up for the HUGE Token-Mart store.

I ran back to my classroom and grabbed Jojo tissues and placed them on her forehead. She was still sobbing. Carol asked me if she should run downstairs and get a secretary to help. Without thinking I told her yes. As Carol ran out of the classroom, Gerald called for her to stop! Anita, one of the secretaries, came in. She said she would take Jojo downstairs. She helped Jojo up and they went downstairs.

The kids told me that he has run toward Levi and then has run into the edge of the door. I felt bad that I wasn't there. Levi kept saying: I didn't do anything! He was worried about getting in trouble, which is understandable. Francis came in a few minutes later and talked to me about what happened. I had to tell her that I was next door getting the CD player. Then she asked the kids about it in English. After Levi tried to explain it, she told him just to tell her in Chinese so she could actually understand him.

As Francis was leaving, she said, "Too many accidents today," and shook her head. Earlier that morning, one of Miss Megan's children has broken his arm. And someone else had gotten hurt.

Gerald, was saying later that in the last part of the semester more accidents happen. It is the end of the semester and kids are excited. And things are more relaxed. And today is was very evident.

Today, Jojo was back in class. She is okay. She will probably have a scar. She didn't have to get any stitches. But man, I feel bad for her.